This is to you my dear love, entrapped in a past you can’t escape.
Naively fell in love like many before you and like many shall after you. You are unique but in no way immune to love for God is love. But love sometimes fails us, our hearts break and when we pick up the pieces we forget that like every fibre in our being they will be scars that will reshape our hearts. To protect ourselves from the chest crushing pain we build barriers that will make us invincible, less vulnerable and with more strength to resist love, for love goes hand in hand with pain. What we often forget is that this strength introduces us to a weakness we have never experienced before. We then cowardly choose solitude because in solitude there is no pain, no love. Love is courage, it is strength and it is being crucified. Only those strong enough to experience it can enjoy the beauty of it.
I am nowhere close to being Professor Love, quite honestly there are more things I don’t know about in this world than I’d claim to know. A friend once told me love is a platform that has lost its art form. I won’t claim to be worthy of anyone’s love, as a matter of fact I’m not.
This is to you my dear love, entrapped in a past you can’t escape.
I am not a seasoned writer, don’t consider myself one actually. This I am sure would already begged the question, Why are u writing then?. To be honest I don’t know either it just feels like the right thing to do, NOW.
As a friend would say, I am trapped in a crackpot of Boredom, Yes I am and because of that I have found myself sailing in a sea full of literary voyages that I by chance, luck or destiny have stumbled upon. The most beautiful thing about being lost in this wilderness of literature is that your life becomes timeless, you live in the envisioned future created by futuristic authors and at the same time you can live in the medieval age, a bygone era. I do enjoy being in the latter actually because it is so full of passion and character, and not so much for the former because the future is very dynamic, It changes every time you get hold of it. For an optimist this is a very peculiar perspective of justifying the selection of the past over the future, because the future has so many possibilities, however it is only on standing on the shoulders of very huge giants that we can see so far as the future, Our dreams are moulded by the invaluable wisdom we get from the past, our forefathers and mothers J. How we choose to use this wisdom is entirely up to us and I unfortunately don’t know how to use it.
As months and days are drawing closer to me completing my medical degree I find myself perplexed, not so much about whether or not I’ll complete but where am I going afterwards, what am I going to do. This might seem very strange coz I’m in med school and going to be a doctor however it is strange to me too and honestly this is one of the most precarious situations I have ever found myself in, Having to make a huge life decision.
Luckily, earlier this week while I was sailing I met Alexander the great, he is one of the most revered emperors of the Macedonian kingdom, he conquered a lot kings and at the brink of his death he called upon his generals and gave them what history would call “Alexander the Great’s three wishes”. His wishes were very simple
- His coffin SHOULD BE carried on the shoulders and transported by the best doctors of the time
- The treasures he had conquered should be scattered on the path to the grave site
- Lastly, His hands should be left to dangle outside of the coffin in view of all
As you would have rightly guessed one of the generals was taken aback to this strange requests and asked why, and the great emperor explained his wishes. People should understand that even imminent doctors have no power over the face of death, they should also understand that all the treasures he had conquered will not be taken with him but instead remain behind and lastly for people to see that he leaves with his empty hands as he came to this world with empty hands.
Alexander’s wishes surely don’t solve any of my worries of having to decide what to do next with my life but they have struck a chord in my spine. Alexander was a very important man in his era, but Gordon Hinckley observes that being humble means recognizing that we are not on earth to see how important we can become, but to see how much difference we can make in the lives of others and Alexander only realised this at his death. He realised that all the riches, power and longevity he was yearning every single day of his life were unattainable and that he is just a sojourner on this world.
I too am a sojourner and I am going to leave this place like those who came before me and those who’ll come after me. I don’t like the status quo of the world as it is and I don’t believe in conformity. I believe in simple things, I believe in being a part of a community than an artificial system created to benefit a few in societies. I believe in God, love, happiness, laughter. I believe in knowledge and I believe in meeting ordinary people in places hidden in the unspoken corners of the earth. I believe in diving deep into the ocean and marvelling at God’s creation. I believe I’m just curious, I’m on a quest and I’m a sojourner trying to find meaning and define my destiny.
For in trepidation he stood back,
Scattered thoughts rushed through
A sudden pang gripped his heart, Bang
Her heart cried to Venus,
But her silence was too loud,
Her heart bled, Sprung
Memories stole by dreams
Dreams fed by hope
Moments fleet, SHACKLED
By the past in limbo
Confused, hearts locked
Can it be two big egos struck
In the end the love dies before it begins
Like a phoenix i will reincarnate
my childhood dreams born not in vain
innocence and purity reigning supreme
As i take a step forwad i realise im two steps in reversion
A mind trying to make leaps but the world wont just let me
Who am i? Trapped in the whirlwind of a society in anarchy
like the swazi monarchy my mind is promiscuous
locked in shackles of the status quo i disdain
I am not that guy
I am a 6 year old infatuated by her
thrown into the cosmopolitan
I see shooting stars, its bliss
But the world wont just let me
Man up and be “nlume”
U zhou, an elephant I am
Like those before me and after me in my bloodline
I soldier in tribulation
After scores of years like Paul i fight the good fight
My mind is the battle field and mine is victory.
Love but Just don’t read me
We are emotional beings in as much as we are social creatures and we yearn for social affection or simply the affection of another. Everyone in their own little world needs to be appreciated by someone they hold dearly, this might just be an evolutionary phenomenon to allow us to reproduce but who cares. This emotional need, philosophers as you may have rightly guessed dedicated most parts of their lives pondering about, sad though that some of them died virgins but anyway the Greeks called this love.
Why am I bothering myself rambling about love, A few nights back I was enjoying a few drinks with friends I highly regard (I regard all my friends highly by the way) then the topic of love mysteriously popped up and for the past few days I have been trying to understand it. It does exist or not, I wouldn’t know. I am a simple man leading a simple life, I have come to appreciate that love is not a word I would simply utter. It is however a cheap currency to get laid I hear, as every jack and Jill want to hear the word whispered to their ears. But exactly what is love?, the truth is nobody knows. What we know from St. Paul is that they are three different kinds of love, Eros, Philia and Agape. Agape being the Godly love, Philia being the love we share with our families and lastly this enigmatic Eros love.
It is enigmatic because compared to the other two, it doesn’t easily make sense. It is sexual love, but we know don’t we, that when it comes to sex everything gets complicated? Lust comes in, prostitution and sexual orientations come in and the concept of love just gets lost in between. Interesting though that we have some sort of a biological clock for this kind of love, just when you hit 13 years and those wet dreams if you are a guy creep in and a girl you start to see blood oozing from your special body part and before you know it there is just that one guy or girl that gives you goose bumps and that’s when the trouble begins. Somewhere after these incidents you will definitely and childishly fall in love inexplicably, Rod Stewart says the first cut is the deepest, he’ll probably try to love again but…, if you are reading this blog you would probably understand what Rod is talking about. This brings me to the concept of love after your previous relationships or rightly put love affairs, the questions I ask myself is, Just how many people can you love? Can you love them equally? Would it be as true as the first? And when do you stop loving those that you have loved? Well, as you can imagine there isn’t exactly a universal right answer for any of those questions but I believe you have time to answer them yourselves.
Romeo and Juliette loved each other unconditionally, so does Shakespeare tell us, whether or not it is just a tale or not, he introduced a very profound yet remote idea of love breaking classes. I personally don’t believe there is such a thing as unconditional love, they are always conditions, they may be dissimilar or covert but they are there. I chose the concept of conditionality of love because as social creatures that are a part of the principle of natural selection, there comes a time when courting would take into consideration whether a partner will make a good parent and would be able to support the offspring (children). This I believe is a condition that is rarely overlooked. Has the economy killed romanticism and replaced love with economic prosperity? How about technology? Quoting a friend “I hate the simpleness of our days. A text, a message on Facebook, a mention on Twitter, romanticism is being murdered”
I have always known everyone had a story, a personality and a character behind that façade. It was only now that I realised how I never knew just how interesting she is. So innocent and simple yet so profound in thought you’d be amazed she is the one who said the things she say. There are only a few women (or girls as they mostly prefer) that I have honestly enjoyed having conversations with, and she is one of them, perhaps I just don’t have a lot of female friends. Conscious of every moment that goes on in her life, she stands so elegantly and eloquently expresses her thoughts with a smile that radiates happiness. She is my friend, and I haven’t seen her in the past four months since I was doing a Family medicine rotation in Maun, was excited to see her after such a long time.
Well my day started off with me actually deciding to send those emails that I have just been too lazy to, wasn’t an interesting morning but hey productive nonetheless, by lunchtime I suddenly decided that I had to visit my family in Francistown (my hometown), Packed my bags went to try to collect money that a friend had supposedly sent by western union, he calls while on my way and tells me the system is down so he didn’t manage to send. Wow, my day just got transformed from being productive to being shitty and the Gabz traffic wasn’t helping either. I finally arrive at the mall and try to ponder how I can get money to get home with the systems down, well as u might have guessed I couldn’t find a solution (guess I’m not as smart), well thatz where my friend decides to drop me an sms and asks how I’m doing, crappy day, that was all I could say. It turns out systems having been shitting her the whole day as well.
By the time I get her 4th sms I’m already back home broke and bored, worst combination ever. Well, out of the blue she decides to visit, oh well how can I say NO and I didn’t and in less than half an hour she arrived, must say the Gabz traffic proved me wrong here. Sat there talking about what every fresh graduate talk about, finding employment, well at least in Botswana that seems to be the way it is. Interestingly she is not like any other fresh graduate, she doesn’t want to work, at least not yet, and she is not even sure what she wants of a career, she is certainly not the first friend to remark about that. Got me thinking why a lot of young graduates out of Uni suddenly want to work, condemn their lives instantly to a 8 to 4 routine, monotony that is in simple terms simple and boring, every day of their lives probably for the next 20 years. Then they reach 40, and it gets interesting, MIDLIFE CRISIS, yeah I said it, MIDLIFE CRISIS. What have I done with my life? The question lingers and you suddenly get ur answer, NOTHING. You just have been waking up every day doing the same things every day, paying a loan for a house, car, and school fees that just got you so hooked up to that job that you hate so much, but hey it pays loans.
This is what I think, one of my uncles told me that the age between 20 and 30 is mine, its my golden age, that’s what it is. Its mine, this is the time to enjoy yourself, to make mistakes, learn, carve your career and decide what your purpose in life is. You probably won’t make it if you follow the same route a million other graduates have taken, Like I always say, everyone is unique and everyone has their own story to tell. So with me having said that I believe after Uni, certainly before you turn 24 or 25 if you started school later, travel, volunteer or just go help your grandma with something. For the first time in 17 years of school be free and let your imagination run wild, discover yourself and then decide what your purpose in life is, what you want your career to be. Life is a choice, choose wisely and choose happiness